nonsmoking

nonsmoking


she never had the willpower
to take up smoking

her friends got sick
of all her lies
“today’s my last day i’ll start
tomorrow”  “i had one just last week”
“i can start if i want to”
they’d heard it all too many times

and the tension around the house
all that sneaking

she had to duck into a pub
on her way home from work
to absorb its fog of cigarettes
hoping it would mask the shame
another day of non-smoking

pathetic

she’d sit in the pub passively
envying the smokers’ cool ease
longing to share
their sweet stale aura

it wasn’t easy
no smoko
no way to start a conversation
no “come and join us for a smoke”
that whole smoke culture
of giving taking sharing smokes
denied
and even after
all those patches nicotine gum boyfriend’s glares three day plans toll free advice
nothing

she’d have to admit it sooner or later
she just didn’t have the strength
to quit